God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
My personal terrible no good very bad day... life... My personal bout with claiming messes I wasn't supposed to claim..and my trying to find out how to get out of them...
I
am not sure at what point my life became a daily mix of tiny disasters
but somehow it just became that way. It was hard not to catalog every
small thing that piled up and caused a depressed young woman who felt
miserable and defeated. I used to say I lived my life by "Murphy's
Law", what can go wrong will go wrong. I woke each day ready to face
whatever mini crisis or crises would be thrown at me. I moaned and
complained and shared the misery I faced with others whom did not have these things happen to them, at least not in the constant down pour of them I did. I could not understand WHY
ME??? Sure they were not all major or worthy of mentioning but even the
little ones were such a nuisance. I was exhausted from "Murphy's Law and from the other hurts and heartaches of life. I was fighting thoughts
of "I wish I were dead".
After much deliberation on
why things happened to me and IF I could make the bad things seem less
bad if I changed my point of view, I came to the understanding that most
of the things that I felt were bad were actually leading me to good
things. I locked my keys in a room and needed to get help, the delay
caused me to be at the right place at the right time later. So my new
motto was "look for the greater good". This began to slowly change how I
saw things. In about a years time I gave my life to Christ and things
just continued to improve...not really but my view on them did. I had
just as many instances to become depressed and complain. Instead of
complaining I began to look at how what I was going through could help
others and how it may have helped me or may be working some kind of
needed change in me. Life was good. I had deep loss and hurt in my
life but I got through because Christ was carrying me and I had my arms
wrapped tightly around His neck and I would not let go.
I hadn't lived by Murphy's Law for
years and then my husband and I moved away from family. I was actually
excited about the move at first, then scared, then excited again...it
was a roller coaster. I was looking forward to us both learning to lean
on each other as we had both been so close to our families, which was
good, but we were not allowing ourselves to cleave to each other.
Blessing upon blessing was poured out in God type ways, checks in the
mail, refunds, rebates, discounts etc. Somehow the impossible purchase
of a home and move took place and we were floating down the river of
married family life in a boat called God's hand. I would listen to
people complain about the same things I used to complain about and
think, "well that still happens to me, but I won't allow it to bother
me. No my life is not easy but I trust in knowing God is going to make
it work." I can't say I was never judgmental, though I wish I could say
that. I fell into that hurting people hurt people category. I was
being told my life was easy when it was anything but easy and that
annoyed me. I thought "well not everyone vocalizes their problems",
when I should have just been supportive and forgiving of their
judgment. Yet somehow, someway not yet revealed to me, my husband and I were
no longer having all things taken care of the way we had been accustom
to. The home we bought we decided we must have had funny glasses on as
we hovered over the warped weak floors under the roof that needed
replacing soon. We settled for no basement when we had been set on
having one, and the garage my husband dreamed of was 3 cars worth of
musty moldy leaky poor construction. WHAT WERE WE THINKING? Why
couldn't we have waited a while longer, why didn't we see all these
issues and at the very least negotiate the price lower?
So
we are out on our own away from our family in a town without the
conveniences we never knew we would miss and in a home worse than the
places we rented. I still had faith God would help us and help us help
ourselves, and I still do. No matter the faith, my health was declining
and I began to get crushed under tremendous pressure to be everything
to everyone even if they never needed me too. I began to pile on things
I loved, but those things stole more of me, so I threw on some more
things that I loved hoping that would cover the overwhelming feeling of
not being good enough. I was hurt and angry...no I am still
dealing with hurt and anger. Knowing you need a change and knowing you
need to let go is just a couple steps and it is a process. Daily I have
been dumped on by health issues, things breaking all around me, people
backing out of well made plans, well cared for beloved pets eating the
children's toys I can't keep up with and poohing and peeing indoors (so
thankful for the carpet cleaner on loan), unplanned for vet
visits, pests trying to invade our home, tumble weed dog hair that has
to be swept multiple times a day on top of grooming, having it cover clothing that was once clean, children throwing
food and drinks, hands in poop, sleepless nights, sickness, appliances
acting up, being late and being made late, trying to eat healthy and
cheap but being stopped by various unforeseen things, and the list goes
on and on. This list was made short because of time, but most days past
it would go from one bad thing straight into the next and often while I
was still working on the last, and this hadn't stopped since it started
over a year ago. In the past I would have thrown my hands up and made a
worse mess than I presently had, but I had learned a little between
then and now. I learned patience, patience to keep on keeping on, but
now I am learning contentment and peace while being patient and I am
learning to be angry and sin NOT... Instead of being angry and sinning
NOW. For a long time anger has been a hangup I have been letting God
work out of me. Constant unrelenting stress and pressure has had me
boiling and on the edge and often I have boiled over. But just
recently, I have been sensing
in my spirit "Don't just take one day at a time, take one moment at a
time too."
I had been allowing each day to pile on
top of the last, and each moment on top of each other till
explosion...everyday explosion. Sadly I can't say for certain I have
had one single day go by without some explosion at some point. So today
I was tested on this, a lot and I missed it often BUT...there was one
glorious moment, I was lifting my daughter's bed while my middle son
grabbed out all the toys from underneath and I heard a thud. Clearing
the child from under the bed I set the be down and ran to make sure no
one was hurt. No one was hurt, my shoe rack had just fallen over and
all the shoes were scattered all over and the diaper bag was turned
upside down. I was not done with my daughters room overhaul but I took a
breath and separated that moment from the other. I did something else I
hadn't been doing often because of the reactions of others...I asked
for help. The shoe rack was resembled and I went back to cleaning the
bedroom. Work load did not change but the reaction did. I did not say "
Really??? I haven't even finished the bedroom and I have this to clean
up, on top of X, Y Z!!!" ...shortly after writing this portion, I
stopped to go make supper. I called out my middle son to help, since he
loves to cook. As soon as I called him, my 1 1/2yr old had a leaky
diaper...on me. I laughed because I was just talking about taking each
moment individually and I was given another chance to do just that.
A day later...
I explained to my husband yesterday that the constant attacks actually
have blurred my life so greatly that throughout the day I am not sure
what time it is. I wake up and get breakfast and to me it is an hour
later and I am making lunch and then another hour and I am preparing
supper. I often have missed the timing for prepping meals because in my
mind it just feels too soon. I have been told by a family member that
my concept of time is way off. I was contributing that to health
issues, but I honestly believe it is actually from the amount of work to
be done. They say "time flies when you are having fun..." but I think
time flies when your nose to the grindstone too.
Through
the constant onslaught of little to major disasters, I am
learning not only patience, but peace, the ability to take in the
sweeter moments and reflect and cherish them even more than I ever had
before. It has been taking me so much time to work through how to cope
with such tremendous constant attacks but slowly I am getting it. It
would be nice if my patience and everyone else patience was like God's!
Several Days later...
The constant attacks are still coming and today as I type this from my house which smells of vinegar...I recall an earlier partial message I saw from Joseph Prince which talked about how the enemy wants to get our focus on ourselves...Is this why the attacks keep coming so constantly no matter my attitude, no matter my devotion etc. I am getting so much worked out of me but I am weak in so many ways and though I somehow keep getting all done that needs to be and keep finding just enough time to refill my tank in the word, I am also on the edge and so moody. This is not my character, yet I have been in this exact battle for over a year and it is so tiring to wake up each day and fight the same fights. I had been warned about not letting the feeling of "ready" stop me from moving forward. All through the Bible men and women were not "ready" but they didn't have to be because it was God who worked through them. Even though I had been warned I was not moving because I did not "feel" ready...I mean I was under so much pressure and so moody, how could God use that? I decided I would never be ready if I was waiting to feel ready. So I stepped out and made my humble small step toward the direction I had been feeling led. My first small step involves a tiny women's Bible Study on learning to be content...it was so fitting for me and must be for others too since they made a Bible Study about it. So I am trying to get into this study and have enough ahead I will not fall behind the other gals who attend. We will gather here at " The home of Vinegar" and we will learn and grow together. My pain is real, the attacks have been constant...but I have to take the focus off of the attacks even if the enemy is now using all five senses to get at me...None the less I will live this...
Reaching Forward to God’s Goal
12 Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, 14 I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. 15 Therefore, all who are mature should think this way. And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you. (biblegateway.com)
knowing...
2 Corinthians 12:9
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is
perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the
more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.
Thank You Lord that we rest in You and You are all we need. We are protected and strengthened by You. We delight in You and you have made firm our steps. We give You praise honor and all glory be to You! In Jesus name, Amen
