Moment by Moment

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

My personal terrible no good very bad day... life... My personal bout with claiming messes I wasn't supposed to claim..and my trying to find out how to get out of them...

I am not sure at what point my life became a daily mix of tiny disasters but somehow it just became that way.  It was hard not to catalog every small thing that piled up and caused a depressed young woman who felt miserable and defeated.  I used to say I lived my life by "Murphy's Law", what can go wrong will go wrong.  I woke each day ready to face whatever mini crisis or crises would be thrown at me.  I moaned and complained and shared the misery I faced with others whom did not have these things happen to them, at least not in the constant down pour of them I did.  I could not understand WHY ME???  Sure they were not all major or worthy of mentioning but even the little ones were such a nuisance.  I was exhausted from "Murphy's Law and from the other hurts and heartaches of life.  I was fighting thoughts of  "I wish I were dead".

After much deliberation on why things happened to me and IF I could make the bad things seem less bad if I changed my point of view, I came to the understanding that most of the things that I felt were bad were actually leading me to good things.  I locked my keys in a room and needed to get help, the delay caused me to be at the right place at the right time later.  So my new motto was "look for the greater good".  This began to slowly change how I saw things. In about a years time I gave my life to Christ and things just continued to improve...not really but my view on them did.  I had just as many instances to become depressed and complain.  Instead of complaining I began to look at how what I was going through could help others and how it may have helped me or may be working some kind of needed change in me.  Life was good.  I had deep loss and hurt in my life but I got through because Christ was carrying me and I had my arms wrapped tightly around His neck and I would not let go.

  I hadn't lived by Murphy's Law for years and then my husband and I moved away from family.  I was actually excited about the move at first, then scared, then excited again...it was a roller coaster.  I was looking forward to us both learning to lean on each other as we had both been so close to our families, which was good, but we were not allowing ourselves to cleave to each other.  Blessing upon blessing was poured out in God type ways, checks in the mail, refunds, rebates, discounts etc.  Somehow the impossible purchase of a home and move took place and we were floating down the river of married family life in a boat called God's hand.  I would listen to people complain about the same things I used to complain about and think, "well that still happens to me, but I won't allow it to bother me.  No my life is not easy but I trust in knowing God is going to make it work."  I can't say I was never judgmental, though I wish I could say that.  I fell into that hurting people hurt people category.  I was being told my life was easy when it was anything but easy and that annoyed me.  I thought "well not everyone vocalizes their problems", when I should  have just been supportive and forgiving of their judgment.  Yet somehow, someway not yet revealed to me, my husband and I were no longer having all things taken care of the way we had been accustom to.   The home we bought we decided we must have had funny glasses on as we hovered over the warped weak floors under the roof that needed replacing soon.  We settled for no basement when we had been set on having one, and the garage my husband dreamed of was 3 cars worth of musty moldy leaky poor construction.  WHAT WERE WE THINKING?  Why couldn't we have waited a while longer, why didn't we see all these issues and at the very least negotiate the price lower? 

So we are out on our own away from our family in a town without the conveniences we never knew we would miss and in a home worse than the places we rented.  I still had faith God would help us and help us help ourselves, and I still do.  No matter the faith, my health was declining and I began to get crushed under tremendous pressure to be everything to everyone even if they never needed me too.  I began to pile on things I loved, but those things stole more of me, so I threw on some more things that I loved hoping that would cover the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough.  I was hurt and angry...no I am still dealing with hurt and anger.  Knowing you need a change and knowing you need to let go is just a couple steps and it is a process.  Daily I have been dumped on by health issues, things breaking all around me, people backing out of well made plans, well cared for beloved pets eating the children's toys I can't keep up with and poohing and peeing indoors (so thankful for the carpet cleaner on loan), unplanned for vet visits, pests trying to invade our home, tumble weed dog hair that has to be swept multiple times a day on top of grooming, having it cover clothing that was once clean, children throwing food and drinks, hands in poop, sleepless nights, sickness, appliances acting up, being late and being made late, trying to eat healthy and cheap but being stopped by various unforeseen things, and the list goes on and on.  This list was made short because of time, but most days past it would go from one bad thing straight into the next and often while I was still working on the last, and this hadn't stopped since it started over a year ago.  In the past I would have thrown my hands up and made a worse mess than I presently had, but I had learned a little between then and now.  I learned patience, patience to keep on keeping on, but now I am learning contentment and peace while being patient and I am learning to be angry and sin NOT... Instead of being angry and sinning NOW.  For a long time anger has been a hangup I have been letting God work out of me.  Constant unrelenting stress and pressure has had me boiling and on the edge and often I have boiled over.  But just recently,  I have been sensing in my spirit "Don't just take one day at a time, take one moment at a time too." 

I had been allowing each day to pile on top of the last, and each moment on top of each other till explosion...everyday explosion.  Sadly I can't say for certain I have had one single day go by without some explosion at some point.  So today I was tested on this, a lot and I missed it often BUT...there was one glorious moment, I was lifting my daughter's bed while my middle son grabbed out all the toys from underneath and I heard a thud. Clearing the child from under the bed I set the be down and ran to make sure no one was hurt.  No one was hurt, my shoe rack had just fallen over and all the shoes were scattered all over and the diaper bag was turned upside down.  I was not done with my daughters room overhaul but I took a breath and separated that moment from the other.  I did something else I hadn't been doing often because of the reactions of others...I asked for help.  The shoe rack was resembled and I went back to cleaning the bedroom. Work load did not change but the reaction did.  I did not say " Really??? I haven't even finished the bedroom and I have this to clean up, on top of X, Y Z!!!"  ...shortly after writing this portion, I stopped to go make supper.  I called out my middle son to help, since he loves to cook.  As soon as I called him, my 1 1/2yr old had a leaky diaper...on me.  I laughed because I was just talking about taking each moment individually and I was given another chance to do just that.

A day later...

  I explained to my husband yesterday that the constant attacks actually have blurred my life so greatly that throughout the day I am not sure what time it is.  I wake up and get breakfast and to me it is an hour later and I am making lunch and then another hour and I am preparing supper.  I often have missed the timing for prepping meals because in my mind it just feels too soon.  I have been told by a family member that my concept of time is way off.  I was contributing that to health issues, but I honestly believe it is actually from the amount of work to be done.  They say "time flies when you are having fun..." but I think time flies when your nose to the grindstone too.


Through the constant onslaught of little to major disasters, I am learning not only patience, but peace, the ability to take in the sweeter moments and reflect and cherish them even more than I ever had before.  It has been taking me so much time to work through how to cope with such tremendous constant attacks but slowly I am getting it.  It would be nice if my patience and everyone else patience was like God's! 


Several Days later...

The constant attacks are still coming and today as I type this from my house which smells of vinegar...I recall an earlier partial message I saw from Joseph Prince which talked about how the enemy wants to get our focus on ourselves...Is this why the attacks keep coming so constantly no matter my attitude, no matter my devotion etc.  I am getting so much worked out of me but I am weak in so many ways and though I somehow keep getting all done that needs to be and keep finding just enough time to refill my tank in the word, I am also on the edge and so moody.  This is not my character, yet I have been in this exact battle for over a year and it is so tiring to wake up each day and fight the same fights.  I had been warned about not letting the feeling of "ready" stop me from moving forward. All through the Bible men and women were not "ready" but they didn't have to be because it was God who worked through them. Even though I had been warned I was not moving because I did not "feel" ready...I mean I was under so much pressure and so moody, how could God use that?  I decided I would never be ready if I was waiting to feel ready.  So I stepped out and made my humble small step toward the direction I had been feeling led.  My first small step involves a tiny women's Bible Study on learning to be content...it was so fitting for me and must be for others too since they made a Bible Study about it.  So I am trying to get into this study and have enough ahead I will not fall behind the other gals who attend. We will gather here at " The home of Vinegar" and we will learn and grow together.  My pain is real, the attacks have been constant...but I have to take the focus off of the attacks even if the enemy is now using all five senses to get at me...None the less I will live this...

Reaching Forward to God’s Goal

¹² Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, ¹⁴ I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Therefore, all who are mature should think this way. And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you. (biblegateway.com)

knowing...

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.

Thank You Lord that we rest in You and You are all we need.  We are protected and strengthened by You.  We delight in You and you have made firm our steps.  We give You praise honor and all glory be to You!  In Jesus name, Amen