Not Alone

Something I am learning through my weaknesses is that the things I sometimes do and say may reflect my heart but only because of the pain and anger from my struggles that is buried deep inside. 

I lived a very hurting life before I let Christ in my life and have lived a very hurting life since then as well.  The pain is just different.  The pain I caused before was either intentional or careless and now it is  unintentional and the pain I felt before I would react to in a more noticeably negative way where as now I am not meaning to hurt people when and if I do, and the pain I feel I react to in a good way sometimes and others I bury that pain because I can't seem to get it all out and over to God, I try to let go but it feels tethered to me.  Internalizing everything was driving a wedge between me and others.  I would hear the things they say about other people and instantly store their words in my head for later use.  If I needed to share something weighing on me I will recall the words of others I have stored in my mind and I will not share it with them.  I will not share because I do not want to be the next person they are talking about.  In honesty though there is not a person I have met that I haven't heard say something about someone(self included), even if it is meant to be harmless, it may never reach the person but it is reaching the ears of the one it is shared with, and whether we want it to or not, what we say will leave a mark about us in their minds. 

Being in a lot of support groups I read and hear people say they feel alone.  Not alone in the literal sense, this kind of alone is to me the worst kind of alone and I have felt it.  One time I can recall was when my middle son began to show signs of Aspergers. I was told by so many, " he needs to be spanked"... " He needs time out..."  " He needs consistency." ... "What are you feeding him?  He needs gluten free foods...remove the dyes, sugars...etc."  and the counsel was endless.  See all of these things had already been dealt with by me and a simple "have you tried X" remark would have been well received but often it was not a suggestion it was presented as the " END ALL CURE".  I also had people telling me all the things I was doing wrong then when I vented they would say "You are a good mom."   Sorry that was not well received...because I was under the impression I was a bad mom since I am doing "X Y Z" wrong... So what I walked away with was..." Do not confide in others because they will only judge you without knowing what you have done and what you go through daily."  Leaving me with only God to talk to.  I did not say everyone was judging me but it became so frequent I would not allow myself to go to anyone out of fear of being, in my mind, rejected again.  God IS all I need, this is true, it just hurts to be here on this earth feeling like I am alone.  So when I hear or read others say they are alone, I can't know what they mean, but after I read or hear others respond saying " I am here." or " What do you mean, you talked to me yesterday and got angry and left.", it seems maybe my kind of "alone" is at least similar to theirs.  Perhaps people who say they are alone are just hurting and have had bad experiences sharing their pain with those closest to them.  Perhaps a lot of us think too much of our own pain to be their for someone we feel may have "less pain"?  Or maybe a lot of us feel we need to "fix" people rather than other them a hug or just a " let me pray with you."  We are not meant to be "Bob the Builder"...we can't fix it... only God can.

I think about some suicides and wonder...did they feel alone or were they alone.  Often the people closest to the suicide victim say " They seemed happy."  Again this is not meant for all...but maybe some people "seem happy" because they have learned that a sad face prompts questions they do not want to answer because too often the response has been superficial and demeaning.  The wall paper for my pc is a picture of two children holding hands and it says " you are not alone"  I have to have this on my pc to remind me...I am not alone.  Having Christ in my life has surely saved my life.  Some of the things I have felt alone in were too much for me ...alone.  Being able to take them to Him and to read His promises to me made all the difference.  I stand today a broken person who is so aware of her weaknesses and how she even has more that she hasn't been made aware of, but a person who is made whole through Christ.  A person that takes her broken mess to God and allows Him to use her to minister to others with broken messes.  Compassion for people who are more than likely misread drives me, but it can be a weakness to as I often defend people to the point I can hurt their attacker too and that is not my intent.  Jesus said he without sin cast the first stone and no one could...no one.  We all( self included) need to keep that before us, none of us are perfect.  Other people are not paper dolls we can dress and place where we think they should go, they are our brothers and sisters and need love and compassion. 

So as a person who is the "ear being bent" we need to remember to separate our hurts from the person who is bending our ear and think "how can I best respond in love?"  and as a person who is needing to go to others for some release, let us choose wise what we take to them and let us forgive them if they say things which do not set well, and let's not hold on to any words that may sting.  Another suggestion I learned from a book by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud was to repeat back to the person what we thought we heard(in a nice tone :) ) and if we were wrong they will correct it and if we were right they often rethink what they have said if they realize it did not come across so nice.  Most people want to be seen as nice and compassionate, if they are made aware they have not been they will do their best to rephrase what they say or retract it all together...remember forgiveness is key.

I once drew a picture of a lot of circles and then one darker circle with a sad face.  The caption was "In a sea of a million people...I am alone."  Let's not be a person that makes others feel alone and let's not allow ourselves to feel alone, we need to reach out and realize most "alone" is only believed and not actual.

Dear God, thank You for Your unfailing Love which fill us all and sustains us in all ways.  Help us to carry on in this life and a light and pure heart for Your people, reaching out to help all who need help and showing others the love You have shown to us. In Jesus name, Amen